The moments I want to remember...

Friends

I may have mentioned it before, but I have great friends.  This group of neighborhood gals have become especially special and I am so grateful to have them close by.  Transitioning to motherhood and permanent stay-at-home momness with two littles was a little hard.  And lonely.  But I don't feel alone anymore.  These girls are one in a million and we all count on each other.  We laugh hard, can cry and keep it real, and band together when something needs to get done.  I have made lifelong friends here on 1010 West and consider myself very very lucky!

Not myself

I am not kidding when I say that sometimes I am an unfit mother.  Seriously.  Especially lately.  This is all so confusing to me.  The part where we planned on having another baby and then in the past two months, while that very baby is finally with us, I wonder why on earth I have been given another one to take care of when I can't take care of the ones I've got.  I don't even feel like myself.  I am grumpy beyond belief.  My patience is paper thin.  Everyone is an idiot.  I don't even know why anyone would want to be around me, since I can hardly stand being around myself.  I hope this all goes away soon.  I know that this is not who I am, but I'm sure it's hard for my husband and kids to continue being forgiving.  Brian finally figured out to not do those big weirded out eyes at me anymore or he was really going to get it.  Lucky for him, now he chooses to keep those eyes to himself.  But I still know that he knows.  And it's hard.

We have good moments and then in an instant it can change, and it's usually because of me.  Because of how I react to things.  McKay stepping on a loaf of bread is really not the end of the world.  But you would have thought that today.

And on top of all my craziness, I decided it's time to potty train McKay.  Things are going pretty well.  Until the last two days when I decided that I've had enough poop in the pants (3).  So for two days we haven't left the house.  I've watched his every move and I know this kid needs to go to the bathroom.  The final straw was when Brian wanted me to help with his friends birthday (a totally reasonable request, in my normal state) but I am flipping out inside because I CAN NOT LEAVE BECAUSE MCKAY NEEDS TO POOP.  So I took him to grandma and left for 30 minutes.  Drove up to pick him up the very second he is pooping his pants.  After two days of me waiting, he pooped his pants while I was gone.  I am bugged.  And sad.  I've got to get a grip.

The News

Well, it worked.  I found out mid-August that we are going to have another baby.  I surprised Brian at work with a gift of pink and blue M&Ms and a father's day card that said, "Third time is the charm!"  He was pretty excited.   I was pretty grateful to have an explanation this time around for my naughty behavior.  (I get that way when I'm pregnant, or so I've been told...)

I am due around April 20.  I go in to the see the doctor next Wednesday.  I am anxious to see if things are good.  I have been tired, moody, grumpy, and dizzy.  I have thrown up a few times, which I never did with the boys, so Brian wonders if it may be a girl.  Who knows.  This morning, out of the blue, Gavin said, "I SO want a girl baby."  He doesn't even know we're having one and he's made several comments like this.  Hmmm....maybe he knows something we don't.

Medication

We have been anxious to have a baby for over a year now.  At first I thought that I needed to plan every detail out.  (If we have a baby in *this month* then I'll have all of the clothes and won't have to buy new stuff.  McKay will be two in April, so we should have our next baby in May.)  I have obviously learned that we don't get to plan it all.  At this point we are aware how *not* in charge we are.  So, after many months of not getting pregnant, I decided to go to the doctor and make a plan for the next few months.  There have been blood tests and for the past two months I have been taking Clomid, hoping to get my body back on track.

I have a love/hate relationship with Clomid.  I love that our chances get better as each month passes, but I hate the way it makes me feel.  My moods can change in an instant and I feel like I am all over the place.  The worst part is feeling like I want to scream and yell at the people I love most.  It's been hard.  Hard.

I am trying so hard to contain my irrational emotions and get a grip.  Here's hoping.  And sorry to my three boys.  I'm glad that still give me hugs and tell me they love me despite all of it.

Thoughts at 3:00am

I accidentally took a 2 1/2 hour nap that ended at 5:00pm.  And now it's 3:00am and I'm still awake.

The house is so quiet.  My typing, the hum of the refrigerator, and the clock ticking are the only sounds.  Quite a change for this busy-with-boys house!

So this morning my thoughts are loving the quiet but at the same time so grateful for the people in it that will bring it to life again in a few hours.  They are my life...and I have such a good one!  I often tell Brian that I have everything I have ever wanted.  And I do.  Sure, sometimes I feel like we could use more money or I want a different body, but the real stuff - the important stuff - is all right here.  Brian is so good to me.  He loves me despite all of my strangeness.  (And I've been especially strange lately.)  He works long and hard for us.  He's been off work this entire week and I love having him around.  It's nice to not be alone and have someone to talk to and share the load.  And I genuinely love his company.  He is without question my best friend.  And the person I could hang with anytime.  (Good thing, since we're married and all.)  Gavin is a real boy now.  He is big and independent and wants to do what he wants to do.  Yesterday I told him that he wouldn't be able to play a game on the computer and he was all sass and said, "Yes I will.  I will just go get the computer and play it."  And that was that, in his mind.  He went to his first soccer practice today.  He was a little shy with his finger in his mouth until his daddy came and flicked it out.  Then he was all excited waiting his turn to kick and run over for a quick drink before he had to get back to the team.  Serious business, this soccer practice.  :)  Lately Gavin's sure sign of a good time is two fists in the air pumping.  That is joy.  And he and McKay are regularly breaking into Chewbacca and Yoda voices.  It makes me laugh out loud.  McKay is killing me with his cuteness.  Officially three weeks ago he became the cutest little boy on the planet.  Up until then, it has absolutely been up for debate.  But he is fun and wants to be tickled and have conversations.  I've always loved him, but now I am loving being around him.  He walks around the house and asks, "Mommy, are you in the kitchen?"  And then will walk in and find me wherever I am.  When we've had one-on-one time when Gavin is wherever he's been (birthday parties, hikes with Grandpa, work with dad) He is still the daredevil and loves fast rides at 7 Peaks and racecars at Trafalga.  He wants to be big so he can hike with grandpa.  I am so excited for him to be my little buddy when Gavin goes to preschool in September.  We're going to have a great time.

So my eyes are heavy, my brain has been dumped.  Time to try sleep again.

Reflection is good - but remind me to not take a nap that long again.

Where I Am

There's been a lot going on lately.  Nothing earth shattering but mostly a lot going on in my head.  A lot of learning.  It's been hard - a daily struggle - but it's really good for me.

I am a "Yes!" person.  My friend Barbara taught me that.  There are some people that others ask a lot of because they will always say yes.  And for the past 11 years, that is the person I've known myself to be.  (A lot of 'who I am' starts 11 years ago when I graduated from BYU and became a working person.  Before that, I'm not really sure I knew who I was...but that's another story.)

Anyway, two weeks ago I changed my mind.  I decided that while I'm not completely done saying yes, I don't have to say yes all the time.  And I don't have to explain myself to people as to why I cannot do something.  And gosh, a weight has been lifted off my shoulders!  After a few minor (major) emotional meltdowns, I canceled everything I had planned for the rest of the week and just was.  I just needed to be still.  I just needed to sit and play legos with my boys again and read them stories.  It was refreshing and calm and peaceful and so so good.  I have realized that in my efforts to do so many things (good things, mind you) that I was missing out on the most important things.

Being a wife and mother are the most important things I will ever do.  I would hate to look back and wish that I would have spent my time differently.  Getting dinner ready for a neighbor is hardly worth me being a grump because my kids keep getting in the way....  I will serve these people in my home first.  And that's got to count for something.

The past two weeks have had some good memory making moments.  And I'm ready for more!