How the Next Chapter Starts

It was a sunny fall day the first week of October 2018.  Tessa and I were on a drive and coming home from Home Depot where we had just gotten some pink paint samples for her bedroom.  We were headed home coming down Fleming when we saw our tall, blonde friend Lisa Jones walking down the street.  She was knocking doors for work, I'm sure, so I rolled down the window to say hello.  We visited there for a minute and then when a car was coming up behind me, I pulled the car over and we continued to talk.  I think we talked for 30-40 minutes that day.

During the conversation, I remember talking about a variety of things.  I have since thought back to how the conversation went from one thing to the next - trying to remember all the details.  I know we shared podcasts and conference talks to listen to as well as personal family things that were hard and going on in her life at the time.  We work in primary together, so I'm sure that was in there somewhere.

While not dealing with life circumstances nearly as trying or serious, the conversation turned to what we were working on.  I told Lisa about redecorating Tessa's room for her 4th birthday in a month.  I always wanted to do a little girl room, and even though I was into it and excited about it, for some reason on this day it just seemed silly.  Probably because of what Lisa was dealing with and the overwhelm I was feeling about my to-do list - sometimes we make insignificant things like that seem really important.  It was at this point, when we were talking about pink bedrooms and things that really don't matter that we talked about gratitude.  I wondered aloud "What do I not have?"  Nothing.  We have everything we need and then some.  We talked about gratitude and then my thoughts turned to my time when I lived in China.  As a student teacher, I remember coming home from that five-month experience with so much gratitude.  I explained a little of these feelings that I had and then I said to her, "We should go back there...."  My voice trailed off and she said, "You should!"  We brainstormed for just a minute about how neat that would be to take our family there.  I told her that I had a BYU contact I should get in contact with - just to see.  We said goodbye and I left feeling uplifted and with a list of good things I wanted to read and listen to.

On the drive home my mind was reeling.  I walked right in and looked up the number for Al Merkeley.  He worked in the Dean's office when I was a secretary there in the McKay building as well as when I was recruited to Xi'an for my student teaching.  When I called and said my name, he knew exactly who I was.  He said, "I'm so glad you called now...I'm retiring and will be gone in six weeks."  I told Al I had a crazy idea and that I was calling him without my husband even knowing.  "What would it take to get our family to China?"  He told me about two schools that BYU is affiliated with and said that he would get my information to Peter Chan, who was also around almost 20 years ago when I was there.  I think I told Brian later that night what I had done - but it was a far-fetched idea in his mind, so he didn't think too much of it.

After a few days I got an email from Peter with Al's forwarded message.  His note to me simply read, "Do you want to pursue this?"  I asked Brian if he would be willing to put together a resume.  No problem.  Letters of recommendation felt like another level of involvement.  This took more convincing, but he did it.  I gathered my letters in a few days.  Brian took a few weeks.  I think he was nervous to even entertain the idea and telling a colleague about it to write a letter was a scary thought.  It was November by the time I had forwarded both of our resumes and letters of rec to Peter to then forward on to the principals.  Weeks went by before I heard anything.

During these weeks of wondering, I spent many times on the phone with my friend and old China roommate, Petra Laster.  We had become like sisters when we lived together and while we hadn't talked regularly or often over the years, I felt like I wanted to hash this out with her.  Brian wasn't super interested in talking about it, but my dreaming and crazy thoughts were entertained and encouraged by her.  She kindly and gently and excitedly went through scenarios with me.  We discussed money and how much we needed to make it happen.  All of the details that kept me up at night - she could talk it though with me.  During our first conversation when I suggested the adventure, she told me, "This is happening."  And when a question mark first jumped into my head, I still knew that she was right.  And that I wanted it to happen for us.

Back in Business

I looked at my blog a few days ago - the first time in over four years!  What!!?  A feeling of complete sadness came over me.  That I quit.  Why did I do that?  I spent hours looking back at those happy times with our little boys.  I've forgotten the little details and am so glad I wrote about them then.  When I thought about why I stopped...well, the short answer is that I felt like I was just in over my head.  Having a fourth baby (our little Tessa girl) really took me over the edge of crazy.  Four kids is a lot of kids - and just the amount we always wanted.

I think for years I've been just hanging on - doing a day at a time - and only recently (maybe this past year?) have felt like we're coming out of those baby years with a new view on life.  We are done with diapers, cribs, strollers, and all of the extra baby bags.  Don't get me wrong...being at home with my kids is the thing I've always wanted.  I have it.  I have a wonderful life.  But it's hard.  That's all there is to it.  Being a mom is the most challenging and rewarding thing I've ever done.  Wouldn't trade any of it.  Days get long, patience gets thin, and then there are moments of sunshine that make it all worth it.  We span the full range of emotions around here on a daily basis.  I work every day to try to be a little more present and find joy in the ordinary.  I actually think I'm doing much better at it because I know that my thinking and feelings and attitude are all my decision.  When things get crazy (and of course we all know they do!) all I long for is the uneventful days and a little more of the mundane.  Sometimes boring is a great thing!  I have learned to completely love simple.  Once upon a time I used to feel like I needed to fill every day with something.  I have since changed my tune and find my quiet days in our home the very best.

I can't wallow in the fact that I missed all those years.  So many funny kid quotes that I can't remember anymore.  So I'll bullet point a few things and then we'll just have to move along.

• We left off renovating our American Fork home.  We live at 965 E 220 N - just across the street from the hospital.  We love it here.  Every place we have lived felt like home, and this is no different.  It always takes time to feel like you belong - but we are in the right place for us right now.  There is no doubt.  We've spent years fixing things up little by little to make it how we want it.  We still have a handful of projects (always projects!) but we will get it done.  
• Our sweet Tessa Charlotte was born November 7, 2014 in American Fork.  First kid that we induced.  The rest came on their own.  But she marches to her own beat, this one.  It's wonderful to have a little girl.  I never imagined that would happen but we love her and her brothers adore her.  She can hold her own with all these boys.  She's got blonde hair to her bum and beautiful blue eyes.  She and I spend quiet afternoons together everyday after we get Jonah to school and it is my favorite time.  I love having her home with me.  It's been interesting seeing the differences between our boys and this girl.  She is emotional, silly, creative, and I am amazed at how she'll sit and color for hours or I'll find her in a corner playing toys quietly on her own.  
• One major, memorable event was the time that McKay slid down the banister in G&G Robinson's new St. George house in March of 2015.  He was almost 5.  We told him over and over not to do it and he flew down on a swim kickboard and a piece of wood from the banister ended up under his toenail.  It was well over 1.5 inches.  It was terrible.  Surgery and all.  From this point on, we use "toe under nail" as a gauge for pain.  That's a 10.  Since then, he's been much better at giving us accurate pain assessments.
• The kids attend Barratt Elementary in American Fork and they are all converted to all things Cavemen.  We love the school, teachers, secretaries and know that our kids are being well taken care of there.  They are great students.  For the record, I did cry at Gavin's first parent-teacher conference.  I remember feeling so much love for the teacher who took care of him everyday and for them seeing all the good things about him.  I was also very pregnant at the time, but it was still an important memory.  
• The kids wanted me to write that we went to Florida.  This was over Tessa's 2nd birthday.  Uncle Paul made that possible for us and we stayed at Anne and Paul's house and had the best time.  We did Magic Kindgom, Cocoa Beach, played with cousins, swam with manatees and took our first family flight.  It was an adventure of a lifetime.  We felt lucky to go.  
• Our day to day life is filled with sports sports sports.  When we got here we got Gavin enrolled in soccer and it has expanded to basketball, flag football, tackle football, and their favorite - baseball.  All the boys are very involved and there is nothing they love more.  It makes us happy, keeps them active and all of us busy.  Most of our weekend are spent going from game to game.  While it feels long sometimes, I love to watch these boys excel and improve and do something they love.  We've met so many good friends sitting on the sidelines and bleachers.  Our kids have great friends.  
• Gavin was baptized in July of 2016.  He doesn't want us to forget that we went to Tim McGraw Stadium of Fire that night.  It was a great day with lots of family.  McKay was baptized in May of 2018.  That was after an extra month of waiting for dad to be ready (see next bullet point) Both wonderful days that we won't forget.  They were loved and so excited.  I hope they remember the feelings they felt.  
• Brian got his hips resurfaced in 2006.  We went to California for that.  Twelve years later, one side started hurting and after months of pain and two weeks of unbearable pain and a lot of grumpiness for the situation, the component broke.  He was carrying two 5-gallon jugs of fish tank water and it snapped.  My parents had just flown in from AZ for McKay's baptism (literally 15 minutes before he called) and so my dad and I drove down there to get him.  Checked into ER, found that it was broken and not dislocated, canceled baptism, ambulanced up to the UofU to get to a specialist who could help us over Spring Break, got a total hip replacement and was back home four days later.  It was a crazy ride.  We are still so grateful to nurses and doctors who continually take care of us.  
• We started an important series of trips when we decided to visit all of the MBL baseball stadiums to watch a game.  Baseball is our family game - since Brian and I both played and the boys love it so much we decided we could use a few more hours at the ballpark.  When our friend Barbara Langford was called on a mission to Missouri, the idea was born when I decided we needed to go visit her.  So a trip to church history sites and a road trip tour of about five stadiums was born.  To kick start it, we began by seeing the Padres on one of our Oceanside trips, a weekend drive with the big boys to the Diamondbacks, and then a summer trip to San Francisco to see the Giants and the A's.  Just a few months ago we did a 24 hour trip with the two big boys to Denver to see the Rockies when we found flights for $30.  We are excited to visit places different than the same four places (St. George, Bear Lake, Oceanside, Arizona).  We need to average about four a year to finish before Gavin leaves the house.  If you've ever wondered what I lay awake thinking about at night....this is it.  
• Speaking of trips, last summer's trip to visit Dave and Rachelle, Oakland, San Francisco, and Monterey Bay was one for the books.  We had a great route and got to see a lot and also had fun hotel swimming and hanging out time together.  It made us feel like he MLB tour was purposeful and exciting and actually going to happen.  It's going to happen.  And we're going to make more happy memories along the way.  
• Bear Lake trips have continued to be a staple and the kids love the simple time there.  We usually take our scooter up there and share a condo with Nathan and Dawn.  Oceanside has happened in 2015 and 2017 with the Woolf/Terry fam.  I'm not sure if our family will continue that tradition or not.  It's important to us to spend time with cousins and aunts and uncles whenever we have the chance. 
• For the last three years I have been serving as the primary president and Brian has been the pianist.  It has been so fun to be in there together with our kids.  We taught a class together first, then both got moved to music (pianist/chorister combo) then put in the presidency.  Serving with these children has been a true privilege and blessing in my life.  I would stay in primary forever.  I will be sad when it's over.  

So, the point is - we were here.  We were living our happy, simple life.  Time to start the next chapter, which will no question be different than all the others before. It's important to me to have a record so we'll get back at this again.