Last week Gavin was assigned to give a talk in Junior Primary. The second we told him what that little slip of paper said he was pumped up. "Jesus Christ Teaches me to Choose the Right." Brian and I wrote a simple talk and Gavin worked on it with us all week. I bet he's done it 20 times. At least. He had that thing pretty well memorized. I made little cue cards with the first letters of the next line or a picture so he could remember which part came next.
The excitement continued to today. "Is today my talk day? Let's go to church!" Grandma and Grandpa Robinson even came to watch. He looked so sweet as he plopped himself in the front of the room in his pink and white striped button-up and fancy new tie. He looks so big to me now. I was sitting in the front row next to the other kids in his Sunbeam class. I told him I would sit right there in front of him and show him the cards. As the scripture boy went up, he looked at me and I whispered, "You're next!" and he smiled. He was ready. We had practiced for this! Once Chase sat down, he slowly walked up those two little steps at the podium. He seemed brave and ready and knew just what to do. All week it was: "Don't be silly. Don't be shy. Be brave. Talk loud."
He looked at me and seemed okay and then glanced around that big, crowed room full of faces. The look on Gavin's face changed in an instant. And I knew. He was so so scared. He looked at me again. I held up the cards and gave him the first words and he started backing up - like he was ready to make a run for it. I'm surprised he didn't, actually. I went up next to him and told him the first line. His face went into my arm and he was all sorts of done after that. Of course, in real time his six sentence talk didn't take that long, but the coersion, the prompting, the "You can do it!" seemed like it lasted forever. I promised him gum and treats and Jesus will be so happy and all sorts of things in those few seconds. I ended up giving his talk. One line at a time, seeing if he was ready to join me or help or take over or anything. Nothing. Even in giving his talk for him my throat started to catch. I mean, how scary is it for a three-year-old to get up in front of thirty people and do that? It ended and he jumped down and I walked him back to Brian to say hello and give Grandma and Grandpa a hug. I walked out of the room after I handed him to Brian and I cried.
In those moments I felt for the little guy. I was in no way disappointed in him. But for some reason I just wanted it so badly for him. It's not even something that really matters, I guess. It's not for anyone else, really, but I just knew that he was ready. And excited. And that this little boy can do this. Not that it's a failure, because it's not. But today was a defining moment for me a mother - for the first time I've really hurt for him. I felt so sad that he struggled and couldn't do it. And the thing that got me the most was that he was so. scared. I've thought about it all day. I wouldn't have done anything different. I just know that this is the first of many times that I'll hope that something goes one way and it ends up going another. I know that he will be scared again. I know that he will be asked to do hard things that he doesn't want to do. I know that I will have to watch him struggle. And probably fail. And it was just hard. Even though today I could fix it, I know that as he gets older I won't always be able to (and shouldn't!) do that for him.
I gave him a squeeze and just loved that little guy today. He doesn't have to give the best Sunbeam talk known to man for me to be proud of him.
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2 comments:
Oh, sweet boy! He at least got up to the microphone...that's a big step! Plus, he's so darn tiny! I can't believe he's actually old enough to be in primary giving talks! We obviously haven't seen you in a while. Let's do a Monday night picnic one of these weeks. We can't do Memorial Day, but maybe the next week?
This is so sweet, Nat.
You know, it's moments like this that make me admit something I never wanted to back when we were single and childless and teaching. I sometimes heard parents suggest that we didn't "get it" because we weren't mothers. And while I still contest that statement in many ways, when these little moments happen and you actually feel like the emotion your child is experiencing is yours to feel as well...then I have to admit that there were some things I didn't "get" before I was the mother.
Kennedy's been begging for a turn to give a prayer or a talk or a scripture in primary (in our ward they don't work the sunbeams in until the 2nd half of the year) but this makes me think maybe it isn't so bad it hasn't been her turn yet!
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