On Having Two Children

Woah. I can't believe that five weeks have passed. (More baby pics to come soon!) I've survived the early days of meltdowns and anxiety and now we are getting back to real life. That doesn't mean I have everything under control, because I don't. But we're getting there.

Bringing home a second child was a big smack in the face. Don't get me wrong - I wanted McKay and I love his guts. Things are good and I really am fine. But I was so unprepared for the way that I would feel and the things I still need to figure out. I know I put a lot of pressure on myself and just need to give myself a break. I don't better at that and I've learned some other things over the past few weeks.

1) Gavin will be okay. This was the first hard adjustment. When I got home from the hospital my major meltdowns were about him. I would think about him or just glance and him and cry. And cry some more. I felt so sad! Gavin has been my little sidekick for two years and I felt like I wouldn't ever have time for my little buddy again. I felt like I'd ditched him, which of course, I haven't, but that's what it felt like. I was just feeding the baby and trying to rest and get things done around the house, which left little time for him. When I had been home just a few days, my friend called to offer to take Gavin to their house to play for the afternoon. I cried and cried and told Brian to tell her no. I just couldn't let him go. Not that being at home with us was super fun, but I just wasn't ready to not have him by me. Since then, he has gone to play elsewhere which has actually been a welcomed relief on more than one occasion. I can see now that we will still have our time together and he is getting more used to me being busy with McKay. It will just be different now. He will just have to wait sometimes. McKay will sleep and we will have "our time" again. I know it will take awhile for him to understand and get used to, but he's doing okay in that way.

At the same time, Gavin has been so needy. He wants me to sit right by him, hangs on my legs, and grabs my cheeks and turns my face towards him when I'm not paying attention. If he doesn't get it, I get smacked and he looks at me and puts himself in time out. It's just his way of telling me that I'm not doing what he wants. I'm glad to know that he loves me and wants my attention. I don't love him hitting me or his little friends that come over. He'll figure it out. This is a big adjustment - for the both of us! Already though I can see such a difference in how he's dealing with things. He'll be fine. He'll be fine. He'll be fine. And now, I can tell you that I really believe the words that I've been repeating to myself over and over. Having a sibling will be so good for him.

2) Not all babies are the same. I keep thinking, "This is how it was with Gavin" and then McKay is totally different. No wonder I have no idea what I'm doing. Particularly with nursing. Gavin ate his guts out, burped, and that was the end of it. McKay is more of a bulemic. After a perfectly good feeding, he throws it all back up. I think we're figuring it out. I make a lot of milk and he just doesn't need that much. I kept thinking that 10 minutes wouldn't fill him up for 3 hours, but it does. And we're using a lot less burpcloths. So relearning is part of the process. Even still, I am much more confident than I was last time around and that has made the learning curve less stressful. I can do this.

One thing that is the same - our babies are sleeping rockstars. Thank you, McKay for your 4 and 5 hour stretches. They make me happy. On track for a full night sleep sometime this summer!

3) Lower my standards. This is the biggest one. The first day that I was truly alone (no Brian, no mom, no grandma, no visitors, no phonecalls) was one of the hardest days I ever remember. I was thinking I could get up and get ready, have two cute kids to play with and take care of, and a sparkly house. Not so much. I was in my pajamas all day, the house was not sparkly, and neither boy was happy. The low point was when Gavin made me cry, then I made him cry, and of course, McKay was already crying. At the end of that day, I decided that it may take me a bit longer to have things all together like I had planned. Someday, the dishes will be done again. Someday, I will be more presentable and have boys wearing matching clothes and acting like gentlemen. However, all of those things may never happen in one day, but at least I'm prepared for it. There will be ponytail days and times when you walk in my house and it looks like a toddler and some other people live here. And that's okay, because that's real life. I know I need to not be so hard on myself. So for now, lower expectations = happier mom. That just may be my new philosophy on life. Who knows, the standards may rise again, but for today we blow bubbles in the house and Gavin dumps and eats his fishy crackers from the carpet. And that's working for me.

I will say that Gavin loves his little brother. I'm so relieved, because I wasn't totally sure how he would take him. But he shows concern, gives him kisses, covers him with his own blanket, and always lets me know when he's crying. I think they will be great friends. I love these two little boys. I'm glad I can be home with them. I have so, so much to learn. So many things I want to do with them. But we've got time - and lots of it!