A Rainy Tuesday

We've been off running errands in the rain today.  Gavin is a little feisty, which is kindof the usual as of late.  He's a sweetie, though.  McKay is sleeping soundly and Gavin and I had time to play playdoh and catch the dinosaurs and elephants that were hiding in his closet.  I took a set of drawers out of there and now he has the best dark hiding spot known to man.  On some days, I get invited in and we sit there side by side in the dark until he decides it's time to let in a little light.  I thought the dark closet was a nice transition to nap time.  I whispered "Goodnight Moon" to him and he whispered back every word I read.  Then he realized what was happening.  "Gavin no nigh-night."  Oh yes, Gavin, it's nigh-night.  

And now I'm going to take a nap.  I won't feel bad about it, either.

On Having Two Children

Woah. I can't believe that five weeks have passed. (More baby pics to come soon!) I've survived the early days of meltdowns and anxiety and now we are getting back to real life. That doesn't mean I have everything under control, because I don't. But we're getting there.

Bringing home a second child was a big smack in the face. Don't get me wrong - I wanted McKay and I love his guts. Things are good and I really am fine. But I was so unprepared for the way that I would feel and the things I still need to figure out. I know I put a lot of pressure on myself and just need to give myself a break. I don't better at that and I've learned some other things over the past few weeks.

1) Gavin will be okay. This was the first hard adjustment. When I got home from the hospital my major meltdowns were about him. I would think about him or just glance and him and cry. And cry some more. I felt so sad! Gavin has been my little sidekick for two years and I felt like I wouldn't ever have time for my little buddy again. I felt like I'd ditched him, which of course, I haven't, but that's what it felt like. I was just feeding the baby and trying to rest and get things done around the house, which left little time for him. When I had been home just a few days, my friend called to offer to take Gavin to their house to play for the afternoon. I cried and cried and told Brian to tell her no. I just couldn't let him go. Not that being at home with us was super fun, but I just wasn't ready to not have him by me. Since then, he has gone to play elsewhere which has actually been a welcomed relief on more than one occasion. I can see now that we will still have our time together and he is getting more used to me being busy with McKay. It will just be different now. He will just have to wait sometimes. McKay will sleep and we will have "our time" again. I know it will take awhile for him to understand and get used to, but he's doing okay in that way.

At the same time, Gavin has been so needy. He wants me to sit right by him, hangs on my legs, and grabs my cheeks and turns my face towards him when I'm not paying attention. If he doesn't get it, I get smacked and he looks at me and puts himself in time out. It's just his way of telling me that I'm not doing what he wants. I'm glad to know that he loves me and wants my attention. I don't love him hitting me or his little friends that come over. He'll figure it out. This is a big adjustment - for the both of us! Already though I can see such a difference in how he's dealing with things. He'll be fine. He'll be fine. He'll be fine. And now, I can tell you that I really believe the words that I've been repeating to myself over and over. Having a sibling will be so good for him.

2) Not all babies are the same. I keep thinking, "This is how it was with Gavin" and then McKay is totally different. No wonder I have no idea what I'm doing. Particularly with nursing. Gavin ate his guts out, burped, and that was the end of it. McKay is more of a bulemic. After a perfectly good feeding, he throws it all back up. I think we're figuring it out. I make a lot of milk and he just doesn't need that much. I kept thinking that 10 minutes wouldn't fill him up for 3 hours, but it does. And we're using a lot less burpcloths. So relearning is part of the process. Even still, I am much more confident than I was last time around and that has made the learning curve less stressful. I can do this.

One thing that is the same - our babies are sleeping rockstars. Thank you, McKay for your 4 and 5 hour stretches. They make me happy. On track for a full night sleep sometime this summer!

3) Lower my standards. This is the biggest one. The first day that I was truly alone (no Brian, no mom, no grandma, no visitors, no phonecalls) was one of the hardest days I ever remember. I was thinking I could get up and get ready, have two cute kids to play with and take care of, and a sparkly house. Not so much. I was in my pajamas all day, the house was not sparkly, and neither boy was happy. The low point was when Gavin made me cry, then I made him cry, and of course, McKay was already crying. At the end of that day, I decided that it may take me a bit longer to have things all together like I had planned. Someday, the dishes will be done again. Someday, I will be more presentable and have boys wearing matching clothes and acting like gentlemen. However, all of those things may never happen in one day, but at least I'm prepared for it. There will be ponytail days and times when you walk in my house and it looks like a toddler and some other people live here. And that's okay, because that's real life. I know I need to not be so hard on myself. So for now, lower expectations = happier mom. That just may be my new philosophy on life. Who knows, the standards may rise again, but for today we blow bubbles in the house and Gavin dumps and eats his fishy crackers from the carpet. And that's working for me.

I will say that Gavin loves his little brother. I'm so relieved, because I wasn't totally sure how he would take him. But he shows concern, gives him kisses, covers him with his own blanket, and always lets me know when he's crying. I think they will be great friends. I love these two little boys. I'm glad I can be home with them. I have so, so much to learn. So many things I want to do with them. But we've got time - and lots of it!

McKay

What an angel. Straight from heaven, I tell you.
Though I've only known this little boy for 21 days, I'm already madly in love with him. I've heard people say that they wondered if they could love the second child as much as their first. For me, I never questioned whether or not I could love him. I knew that I would love him the minute I held him. I LOVE babies - especially my babies. And what's not to love - that wrinkly skin, perfect smell, scrunched up legs and arms snuggled up to my chest - they really are a miracle. Yesterday my grandma looked at McKay and said, "How could people not believe in Diety?"
We're getting into a routine, McKay and I. He's usually having his wake times during the day instead of the night. I appreciate that. We're figuring out his feeding. When I took him to the pediatrician this week, I found out that I've been overfeeding the little guy. He was crying, so I fed him. He had gained a pound and a half in 2 1/2 weeks. Impressive, seeing how he's supposed to regain his birthweight in the first 2 weeks. So we did that plus a pound. Oops. For the past two days he's finally stopped throwing everything up - all of the extra that was going on top of what he really needed. Feed for less time less often. I like that.
I was sitting in my rocker the other night - or morning I should say - and decided that sitting there wishing I was sleeping instead wouldn't do me any good. I am one who loves her sleep, but since I'm awake anyway, I decided I might as well enjoy it. Knowing a little more than I knew the first time, I know how quickly this time will pass. He will not be a newborn for long. I'm certain hardly any time will pass and we will be celebrating his 1st birthday. For me, the decision is to enjoy and really cherish this time and those quiet moments with him when he is calm and awake at 3:00 am and just wants to talk. It really does go by so fast. That's not something that people just say. It is very true. I can sleep in August, right?
Thank you for joining our family, little man. I'm excited to get to know you and your own personality. It will be fun to see how you are different from your brother. I can already tell that you are.

Gavin Boy

How can you look at this face and not smile? I dare you. You can't. Well, I can't anyway, and I guess that's what matters.

Here's my little buddy for his (almost) two-year-old pictures. I cannot believe how grown up he looks. This 35-lb butterball is so much fun right now. He's running and talking and figuring things out every day. It's pretty neat to see the wheels in his head spinning. He's exploring the outdoors and starting to play pretty well on his own with his toys inside. We're finishing the yard here in the next couple of months - I think we'll be out there all summer!
At 22 months, Gavin is singing and dancing his way through life. Every night Brian brings his guitar into Gavin's room to sing before he goes to sleep. We always start off on the chair together, but the second the guitar gets going, he feels the need and says, "Dance!" He be-bops his way through each song. I love that about him. He sings his ABC's, Twinkle Twinkle, You are my Sunshine, Jesus Wants me for a Sunbeam and Where is Thumbkin pretty dang well.
Now don't let this innocent face fool you. Yes, he does make me smile, but that doesn't mean he's perfect. He's developing a little sass and when he wants something - watch out - because he's going to let us know it. He waits to see if you're watching and knows how to push buttons. He knows what is going to make us freak out. He starts doing something and looks up at us with those eyes as if to say, "I know this is bad, but I'm going to do it anyway - just to see what you will do." How funny that a kid so little knows how to control us like that. Smart.
I love, love, love this boy and have found both comfort and a little anxiety knowing that I will be taking care of him all the time now that I've quit working. Comfort because being home is what I want to do and have waited so long for. Anxiety because I want to provide him with good experiences that will make him a good person and develop his mind. It's a big, big job - I realize that more everyday. I probably put too much pressure on myself, but I just want to do a good job and be a good mom. Being the first kid and all - I hope he'll forgive me while I figure this out.

Family Pics

Every time we get pictures taken, unfortunately the first thing I notice is how my right eye smiles small and every hair is not in place. Silly! What I should notice first are the three boys surrounding me - I love them all more than anything. They are my life. And it's a good one.

Introducing...McKay

Sweet baby boy - Three days old
Dad and his boys (and Elmo)
Alert and awake
I forgot how little babies are! I love how he still tucks his arms and legs in. He is much more interesting (and comfortable!) out than in. :)

Baby McKay

I CAN NOT for the life of me get my pictures to upload. I'm working on it.

McKay Nathan Robinson was born on April 1. He weighed 7 lbs. 12 oz and is 20 inches long. I was scheduled to be induced on the 2nd (because I DID NOT want an April Fool's baby) but at 3:00 am on the 1st, I decided I didn't really give a hoot what day he was born. Everything went smoothly...even more so than with Gavin, which was also a good delivery.

We're on Day 6 now and he is super sweet. Last night was the first night he slept in his bassinet between every feeding. Nice! We had to hold him on the couch for hours at a time for him to sleep. Hopefully he's getting over that and figuring out our rules around here for day and night.

Brian has been home and will be here the rest of the week for Spring Break. It's been so nice to have him around. I could very well have meltdown come Monday when he leaves me. Gavin has had lots of attention from dad and loves his baby brother. He is sweet and helps me burp him and always lets me know when he's crying.

I'll have to think more to eloquently write my thoughts on having two kids - it's been an adjustment! But I know that it is worth it and I love my two little boys.