Medication

We have been anxious to have a baby for over a year now.  At first I thought that I needed to plan every detail out.  (If we have a baby in *this month* then I'll have all of the clothes and won't have to buy new stuff.  McKay will be two in April, so we should have our next baby in May.)  I have obviously learned that we don't get to plan it all.  At this point we are aware how *not* in charge we are.  So, after many months of not getting pregnant, I decided to go to the doctor and make a plan for the next few months.  There have been blood tests and for the past two months I have been taking Clomid, hoping to get my body back on track.

I have a love/hate relationship with Clomid.  I love that our chances get better as each month passes, but I hate the way it makes me feel.  My moods can change in an instant and I feel like I am all over the place.  The worst part is feeling like I want to scream and yell at the people I love most.  It's been hard.  Hard.

I am trying so hard to contain my irrational emotions and get a grip.  Here's hoping.  And sorry to my three boys.  I'm glad that still give me hugs and tell me they love me despite all of it.

Thoughts at 3:00am

I accidentally took a 2 1/2 hour nap that ended at 5:00pm.  And now it's 3:00am and I'm still awake.

The house is so quiet.  My typing, the hum of the refrigerator, and the clock ticking are the only sounds.  Quite a change for this busy-with-boys house!

So this morning my thoughts are loving the quiet but at the same time so grateful for the people in it that will bring it to life again in a few hours.  They are my life...and I have such a good one!  I often tell Brian that I have everything I have ever wanted.  And I do.  Sure, sometimes I feel like we could use more money or I want a different body, but the real stuff - the important stuff - is all right here.  Brian is so good to me.  He loves me despite all of my strangeness.  (And I've been especially strange lately.)  He works long and hard for us.  He's been off work this entire week and I love having him around.  It's nice to not be alone and have someone to talk to and share the load.  And I genuinely love his company.  He is without question my best friend.  And the person I could hang with anytime.  (Good thing, since we're married and all.)  Gavin is a real boy now.  He is big and independent and wants to do what he wants to do.  Yesterday I told him that he wouldn't be able to play a game on the computer and he was all sass and said, "Yes I will.  I will just go get the computer and play it."  And that was that, in his mind.  He went to his first soccer practice today.  He was a little shy with his finger in his mouth until his daddy came and flicked it out.  Then he was all excited waiting his turn to kick and run over for a quick drink before he had to get back to the team.  Serious business, this soccer practice.  :)  Lately Gavin's sure sign of a good time is two fists in the air pumping.  That is joy.  And he and McKay are regularly breaking into Chewbacca and Yoda voices.  It makes me laugh out loud.  McKay is killing me with his cuteness.  Officially three weeks ago he became the cutest little boy on the planet.  Up until then, it has absolutely been up for debate.  But he is fun and wants to be tickled and have conversations.  I've always loved him, but now I am loving being around him.  He walks around the house and asks, "Mommy, are you in the kitchen?"  And then will walk in and find me wherever I am.  When we've had one-on-one time when Gavin is wherever he's been (birthday parties, hikes with Grandpa, work with dad) He is still the daredevil and loves fast rides at 7 Peaks and racecars at Trafalga.  He wants to be big so he can hike with grandpa.  I am so excited for him to be my little buddy when Gavin goes to preschool in September.  We're going to have a great time.

So my eyes are heavy, my brain has been dumped.  Time to try sleep again.

Reflection is good - but remind me to not take a nap that long again.

Where I Am

There's been a lot going on lately.  Nothing earth shattering but mostly a lot going on in my head.  A lot of learning.  It's been hard - a daily struggle - but it's really good for me.

I am a "Yes!" person.  My friend Barbara taught me that.  There are some people that others ask a lot of because they will always say yes.  And for the past 11 years, that is the person I've known myself to be.  (A lot of 'who I am' starts 11 years ago when I graduated from BYU and became a working person.  Before that, I'm not really sure I knew who I was...but that's another story.)

Anyway, two weeks ago I changed my mind.  I decided that while I'm not completely done saying yes, I don't have to say yes all the time.  And I don't have to explain myself to people as to why I cannot do something.  And gosh, a weight has been lifted off my shoulders!  After a few minor (major) emotional meltdowns, I canceled everything I had planned for the rest of the week and just was.  I just needed to be still.  I just needed to sit and play legos with my boys again and read them stories.  It was refreshing and calm and peaceful and so so good.  I have realized that in my efforts to do so many things (good things, mind you) that I was missing out on the most important things.

Being a wife and mother are the most important things I will ever do.  I would hate to look back and wish that I would have spent my time differently.  Getting dinner ready for a neighbor is hardly worth me being a grump because my kids keep getting in the way....  I will serve these people in my home first.  And that's got to count for something.

The past two weeks have had some good memory making moments.  And I'm ready for more!

Wasatch Back Ragnar

Ragnar is one of those things that I've always wanted to do.  I'm not sure why.  You know, the no sleeping, running a ton of miles in the middle of the night, etc. etc. doesn't sound like much fun when you talk about it.   But for some reason there was a draw and when I got the invitation to join Viva La Familia.  And I'm so glad I did.

Highs

-hanging out with my bosom bud Michelle.  I love her.  We've been friends for 11 years and ours is one of my most comfortable friendships

-meeting Michelle's awesome family.  Clicking with our van right from the start

-running in the stars at 3:00 in the morning.  All alone yet safe.  The fact that I hadn't slept and was running uphill didn't phase me in the least.  That was the moment that made the race.  

Lows

-running a 5.5 mile leg as my final run in the middle of the hot hot afternoon uphill on one hour of sleep.  That was the longest hour of my life.  

-trying to sleep for three hours and not being able to.  So frustrating!

Ragnar is one word: Crazy.  Crazy fun, crazy hard, crazy people, crazy costumes.  Despite the hard, we crossed the finish line and for some reason it's instantly We're totally going to do this again next year!  I've decided it's kindof like being pregnant.  You forget all the garbage and then can't wait until you can do it all again.  An odd phenomenon, I think.  Thank you to Michelle for letting me be part of your family for a few days.  Certainly an experience I will never forget.

These are the moments that I am reminded that I am stronger than I think.  Even as imperfect as it feels sometimes, I am so grateful for a healthy body that can run and do hard things.  

And then he was Four

Oh Gav...  You've been planning your Lego birthday for about the past eight months.

It all started with this cake:

Gavin is super into Legos since he got his first Ninjago figure in January.  We've been earning and collecting small pieces since then.  I had this idea for a Lego head.  When Brian's family decided to celebrate the Sunday before, I figured I couldn't reinvite them over for more cake on the actual day.  Brian said that we should just do our own thing - meaning the four of us.  "But there are FIVE layers!" Who on earth would eat all that?

And the seventeen-child-count four-year-old birthday party that was never supposed to happen came to pass.  And the boy was happy.

Neighbor friends: Owen, Alec, Andrew, Savana, Robby, Ander, Kaylee, Chase, Tad, Truly, Ayda, McKay, Elsa, Van, Rome

Balloon games.  Brian was awesome as he headed up the organization of the activities.  I was cutting cake and such and afterwards when I told him what a rockstar he was, he said, "Hey - I've got a kid switch."  And he does.

A taste of cake and 'green' ice cream.

The kids were so generous with their gifts.  Gavin was a spoiled boy.  It was so funny with that many kids.  He would grab a gift and try to start opening it and five kids would magnet right to him.  He would move away a few feet (the kid needs his space) and they would all follow.  I think he was wondering why the heck they were following him around, but he handled it well.

And this is how we knew it was over...

The day after Gavin asked if we could go to Chuck-E-Cheese for his 5th birthday.  I said, "Don't even talk about it..."  No way dude - not yet.

Dear Gavin,

Do you know how much we love you?  Really.  You are such a sweet boy.  We call you Tender Heart.  You are sensitive and aware.  You are generally compliant and as of late have been the super helper.  I can send you to run random errands for me around the house and you know exactly what I need and how to get it.

At age four, you:

• love Legos
• just watched the Star Wars Triology.  You are walking around humming the theme song
• have memorized the first five Articles of Faith 
• are getting dare-devilish on your bike.  You lift your legs and stand up while you are riding and think you are hot stuff
• are still cautious
• HATE bees and other large bugs.  
• your favorite color is green
• can count to 50 on your own and practice every day
• can identify all of the letters and their sounds
• can write your name and can copy letters that I show you
• are getting pickier with food.  Still a great eater and usually willing to try a bite of anything, but are starting to have opinions and say "yuck!"  
• shared an Article of Faith and said a prayer for the first time without wimping out (I may have teared up just a bit...)
• love to be with your friends.  Buddies you play with regularly: Savana and Robby, Lorin and Luke.  I would say Ander is your best bud and you two play so cute and nice together. 
• are ready for preschool.  I think you will do great with other kids and be eager and interested to learn
• will watch TV all day if I'm not careful.  I finally had to limit your shows.  
• can navigate the TV without me.  You know the remote and TV buttons and can flip back and forth on Netflix like nobody's business. 
• love to play the iPad.  Likewise, I don't even help you with it.  
• make your bed and get yourself dressed everyday.  It's kindof nice to not have to put on your shoes and buckle your seatbelt.  Let's hear it for independence!  
• tell me I'm beautiful and that I'm a princess.  And that my hair is nice.  And that I paint toes good.  
• ask me where we are five times while we are driving - trying to figure out different cities.  You have an amazing sense of direction and know where this or that is even if we've only been there once  
• wonder how God talks to you and why you can't see Jesus.  You tell me you want to be baptized and make good choices.  Your questions and statements are sweet and sincere.  One funny thing that happened last month was when I had the music up loud in the car and you yelled from the back seat, "Mom!  I can't hear Jesus!"  

I have been impressed to watch you handle McKay.  He really loves you, you know.  He copies everything you do.  Everything.  Sometimes (okay, often) he hits you and it makes you cry.  But you are starting to talk through it and tell him not to _____ (fill in the blank.)  Last week I moved his crib into your room and you are officially sharing brothers.  I think you like being together.  In the morning you chat and come in and tell me what he needs.  I was especially impressed not too long ago when I was busy doing something and McKay was crying and needed a hug.  You pulled him onto your lap and he layed his head on your shoulder and you talked to him nice and soft, just like I might when he's feeling sad.  You are kind and a great brother.  I am excited to have him be able to look up to you.

You are such a sweetie.  I am happy to see you every day and am excited to see what four-year-old stuff you'll do this year.

Love,
Mom

Saturday Hike

Sometimes an afternoon away is just what we need. Brian and I hiked up Battlecreek Grove and had a delightful time. It was pretty, it was hot, it was cool. We ate a simple lunch next to a stream while we watched a bird fly back and forth feeding her babies. I really, really like Brian. And although sometimes I've got to wonder why, I'm very grateful that he likes me too.

Garden: Take 1

Ask and ye shall receive... Look what Brian made me! (Us!) I read a book called Square Foot Gardening and three week later this beauty was born. It's a little nutty how excited I get to check the progress every day. There is something especially cool about making a salad or smoothie with stuff that WE. GREW. I need to take new pics - it is now starting to resemble a small lettuce jungle.