Work

Ugh. The thought makes me sick inside. It started yesterday and I’m just not sure that I’m ready. The summer has flown by – much faster than it has in years past – and I have a feeling time will just keep passing more quickly as I get older. At least that’s how it’s been so far. It’s not that I’m not excited about the idea of a new job. I hope that coaching new teachers will be fulfilling and that I can help them be better at what they do. It’s nice to have people to talk to about similar interests and feel needed in the teacher world. After my meetings yesterday, I realize that this job will be a new adventure for me.

But…Let me vent for a moment.

Life actually feels normal again and we are just getting into a routine at our house. The truth is that I’m not ready to share Gavin and let other people be in charge of him. That sounds a little possessive, I know. I will say that the people who will watch him are absolutely wonderful and I feel very lucky, confident, and comfortable to leave him with them. But I just want to do it myself, that’s all. I know a two-month-old doesn’t need much…just some hugs, a little milk and a diaper change every once in awhile. People leave their kids all the time and they are just fine. Gavin will be fine. But I’m just trying to tell myself that I’m going to be fine. And I really hope I will - eventually. Last week my good friend Mrs. Straddles reminded me that there is a season for everything. Unfortunately, this just isn’t my season to stay home with my little boy. I do want him to have some consistency in his schedule and feel like I have little control over that now. Even though it doesn’t matter, will they lay him down right? Will they know how to make him stop crying when he’s mad and tired? I’m sure they will, but again, I just want to do it. Mostly I worry about what I’m going to miss. Am I going to miss too many smiles? Perhaps him rolling over? If I sound jealous, I am. I’m just jealous that other people get to hang out with him all day.

And then I went to pick him up yesterday and I don’t know that he even realized that I was gone. So, in the end I realize that this is the best time, if any, to leave.

But at least I’ll get you every Thursday, little man. And Friday afternoons, too. And don’t forget the weekend! So it’s probably not as bad as I’m making it sound. I guess it’s time to remember by my own motto: “I can do hard things!”